Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
