I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
i think we sleep fucked last night...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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