Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
