I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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