this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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