My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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