you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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