Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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