she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
