remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
