I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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