Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
