we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I will be naked everywhere
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
