I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
