4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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