And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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