dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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