the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
