if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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