Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
