i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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