Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
