I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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