What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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