I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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