When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
