i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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