the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Randomize
