he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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