FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
