She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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