I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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