you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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