I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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