you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
