you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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