I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
