my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
