9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
