shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
