Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
