I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
