I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
