Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
