He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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