You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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