He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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