Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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