i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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