Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
