we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
someone owes me an orgasm
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
