Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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